This is truly my favorite time of the year.  As soon I feel that first break in the weather (which isn’t much of a break, but we Floridians can sense it).

As soon as “Fall” hits here in Florida, it just makes me instantly happy.

Thanksgiving…my sister’s family, our family, and whatever friends want to gather at my in-laws’ house and we enough a fairly relaxed late morning-early evening of visiting and EATING!!!!

Then it begins, we can finally start decorating for Christmas!!! (I would start in September if you ask me). And even though I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a couple weeks at this point, I can now do it without being scorned!!!  YAY!!!

This year is different…

I mean, I’ve still done all of those things, but…

Starting Thanksgiving morning, it hit me.  Even though I’ve been doing ok…I felt the fingers of depression reaching for my soul.  The empty feelings engulf my heart.  My life is SO FULL of wonderful people and love, yet I am not fully happy.

It hasn’t been quite three months yet…

I miss my baby…

I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.  It’s not like we had a Christmas with him, why is it so hard to have this Christmas without him???

But it is hard.

Like I can’t function hard.

Like cry so hard my head feels like it’s going to explode hard.

I don’t want to skip Christmas, and yet, I kinda do.

I want the time with family and watching Ayden open his gifts.  But that’s pretty much it.

I do not like this feeling.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE decorating the tree for Christmas.  We always get a real tree, usually from Home Depot.  This year we got it from Keystone Rock Supply.  They are right down the road from us and that’s where we got the rocks/stones for our front landscaping.  We couldn’t be more happy with the tree.  It’s HUGE!!!  I think it was 3 Christmases ago that we decided to graduate from a 7-8’ tree to a 8-9’ and go Griswold!  The taller tree has filled out the tree area nicer, but still didn’t feel it was “BIG” enough!.  This tree…it’s a fatty!  She’s so beautiful!  Perfectly imperfect as a real tre should be but as perfect a real tree that we’ve had.  I will post pictures if we can ever get the ornaments on.

It has taken everything in me to decorate this year.  I’ve had to FORCE myself to put the lights, ribbon, and garland on it so Ayden and I can hang ornaments while Berk is home.  If it weren’t for them, we would still have a bare tree in the corner.  Not intention, I just keep finding other things to do.  And I figured out why…

Every time I work on the tree, I lose it.

I was supposed to have a baby this Christmas.

And I don’t…………