Well…this concludes another week of firsts for me.
Sunday was my first in-home Tupperware party. And not only that, but I had two, one at 11am and one at 2pm. I survived, whew!
This was also my first week back to work. I worked Monday-Friday during the hours that Ayden was in school.
My first encounter with a customer (that as I walked up that first day I thought how I wasn’t ready to see a couple customers). And he was one of those that I wasn’t ready to see. But he came looking for me. I was so glad that he did, afterwards.
My first walk past the NICU at the hospital as I went to visit again.
My first real step toward a new career adventure.
My first concert (in a LONG time…but yet, I really just mean since Aaron).
And my first near meltdown at work and need to leave before my scheduled time.
I won’t bore you and go into detail on all of these now. I just needed to get this out! While I still for the most part, feel “normal”. It is still very clear to me that I am totally affected.
Going back to work was good for me. I was kind of looking forward to it as I knew it was just another step in my healing. Everyone there has been so supportive and wonderful in the last month and a half that I felt a little comforted by that.
Like I said, I feel like I can function “normally” in every day life without feeling like I am going to bust out crying at the drop of a hat.
With that said, I have to be very aware of my emotions/thoughts/feelings because there are many moments that happen every day where I could totally lose it. And it’s not that I hold it in, I just try to make sure that when I do “let it out” that it’s at a better place and time than in the middle of the grocery store. Or sitting with my friends and sister at a Bruno Mars concert. Or on a happy visit to the hospital.
It’s not that I feel like I need to “hide” my emotions. Instead, I come out the other side feeling so much stronger, that I was able to “make it” though whatever trigger it was.
Yes, often times I can talk about Aaron and be completely “fine”. Most of the time I can say his name, and then there are still sometimes where I refer to him as “the baby”.
And then there are other times where my throat hurts trying to fight back the tears. And not just tears, the ugly bawl.
I still don’t know “how” to fully move forward…I catch myself “thinking” a LOT! Am I coming across too happy? Am I coming across too sad? Am I too happy? Am I too sad?
I mean…I can take care of my family, the house, the dogs, my Tupperware business, and now my own job. And MOST of the time, I’m good.
There are still plenty of times where I need help. I don’t ask for it for anyone but my husband and I sometimes don’t ask for it enough.
What makes one day different than another?
Why is one day full of tears and meltdowns and another is completely fine?
Why do I catch myself having a good time at a concert and the next second catch myself reminding me that it’s ok to HAVE FUN? I literally have to tell my own brain that it’s ok to have a good time but then I immediately feel guilty for it. And then try not to be the weird person in the middle of a great time, crying.
The perfect song played on my drive to that first day of work. Them Pink Floyd guys get me. (In most cases) I have become comfortably numb.