You always hear things like “he/she has good days and bad days” when referring to how someone is coping after a tragedy or something. And you believe them, doesn’t always sound cliche, so you usually don’t think too much of it.
But it’s true.
Some days I feel pretty much normal. I might have a sad moment or tear up, maybe have a good cry.
And then there are a few days, like my yesterday, that total eff with my head.
I can’t seem to collect my thoughts, I feel anxious, I can’t make decisions, I don’t know what I want, and I can’t really tell why I am like that!
”Well duh, it’s because I miss my son”
I miss my son every freaking day, how come sometimes I can’t freaking function???
Yesterday started out like most others, Ayden coming in my room around 7am to snuggle before we need to get up and get him ready for school. The plan was that we would take him to school then Berk and I would go for a boat ride. Can’t go very long or very far since we need to be back in enough time to get in the parent pickup line.
Berk offered to take Ayden to school so I could walk Fiona. Since that’s kind of my routine (until I go back to work next week. :/ ). So I put on my flip flops (normally I put on my “walkin’ shoes cuz I go for 2-3 miles total) since I was only just planning on taking Fiona for our normal 1.08 mile walk so we could maximize boat time.
I didn’t feel too abnormal, but did notice that I was crying easily during this walk. Meh…I cry a lot these days so I still didn’t really feel much different than any other day. Usually a nice walk in the morning does me good for the day.
Berk calls me on his way home and I’m about 8 minutes walk away from home. I confessed that I was in a grumpier mood than normal.
He asked me if I needed to go for a longer walk. I didn’t want to say yes because I know boat time was precious. After he assured me that it was OK if I felt like I needed to walk longer. I really felt like I needed to be honest so yes…
…Yes, I want to walk longer.
When I got home with Fiona, I put on my walking shoes and went for another 1.25 miles, I think. It was nice. I wasn’t trying to walk for speed/calories burned. I was walking for my soul. It was kind of Forrest Gump walking.
Still…thought it was just a grumpier start to the morning and it would burn off like pretty much any other morning that I have these feelings.
“What do you want for breakfast? What do you want to take on the boat for lunch?” I couldn’t answer these questions because I didn’t know how to answer them. I knew what I didn’t want, but not what I did. And it was upsetting to me. If we weren’t already planning on going on the boat, I would just have dove into my Tupperware business, laundry, dishes, cleaning up the house (kinda going into autopilot) and would have been just fine. But stopping to make a decision???
What the freak is wrong with me? Why am I crying because I don’t want a turkey sandwich for lunch??? Why am I getting upset that I don’t want pancakes for breakfast???
I really didn’t want to make my husband feel bad because he kept throwing out ideas just so maybe he would suggest something that sounded good to me and I could just say yes. No yesses were coming.
I really just felt like I was in this funk and it was super annoying because I’m “fine” every other day.
The only things I could come up with why yesterday was making me be in a funk was my dog was having some digestion issues (he’s 9 and old and I just love him to pieces), Ayden was fighting off some sort of virus so he was just not feeling 100%, and I had my first public Tupperware event that night that I was getting very anxious for.
I think those all were just weighing on my mind and making me get in my own head too much.
Why would the event make me feel anxious??? Well these are monthly events that have the very high probability that will have guests from the previous months. I did these events all though my pregnancy with Aaron up until like 2 weeks before my due date. I was wondering if all the guests (which would have no idea) would then be asking me about the baby. I am at the point where I can tell people what happened should they not have heard yet. I just felt like I could get overwhelmed and have to go hide in the bathroom for a while.
The boat ride helped tremendously.
Then I drove myself crazy about my 2 times up front at the mic. How do I act? I kept telling myself to just be myself. Which is usually pretty comfortable with a touch of humor. I have done it enough times that I wasn’t really nervous…before. I felt warm and numb when I got up in front of the mic to do my little commercial for my business. At the end of the night, none of the guests asked about the baby. And to be honest, I don’t know how many of them were repeats. The nice thing was that we had a hurricane that cancelled last month’s auction. So everyone (including other vendors) had missed a month. It was like I wasn’t even gone.
It was different.
My other vendor friends were AMAZING!!! I knew they all knew (at least the important ones). I could feel them sending their love and support without them even saying anything about my situation.
It felt good to set up a Tupperware table.
I was trying so hard to “just be normal”….what is that though?