Tag Archives: healing

Some days are normal, some days mess with my head.

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You always hear things like “he/she has good days and bad days” when referring to how someone is coping after a tragedy or something.  And you believe them, doesn’t always sound cliche, so you usually don’t think too much of it.

But it’s true.

Some days I feel pretty much normal.  I might have a sad moment or tear up, maybe have a good cry.

And then there are a few days, like my yesterday, that total eff with my head.

I can’t seem to collect my thoughts, I feel anxious, I can’t make decisions, I don’t know what I want, and I can’t really tell why I am like that!

”Well duh, it’s because I miss my son”

I miss my son every freaking day, how come sometimes I can’t freaking function???

Yesterday started out like most others, Ayden coming in my room around 7am to snuggle before we need to get up and get him ready for school.  The plan was that we would take him to school then Berk and I would go for a boat ride.  Can’t go very long or very far since we need to be back in enough time to get in the parent pickup line.

Berk offered to take Ayden to school so I could walk Fiona.  Since that’s kind of my routine (until I go back to work next week. :/ ).  So I put on my flip flops (normally I put on my “walkin’ shoes cuz I go for 2-3 miles total) since I was only just planning on taking Fiona for our normal 1.08 mile walk so we could maximize boat time.

I didn’t feel too abnormal, but did notice that I was crying easily during this walk.  Meh…I cry a lot these days so I still didn’t really feel much different than any other day.  Usually a nice walk in the morning does me good for the day.

Berk calls me on his way home and I’m about 8 minutes walk away from home. I confessed that I was in a grumpier mood than normal.

He asked me if I needed to go for a longer walk.  I didn’t want to say yes because I know boat time was precious.  After he assured me that it was OK if I felt like I needed to walk longer.  I really felt like I needed to be honest so yes…

…Yes, I want to walk longer.

When I got home with Fiona, I put on my walking shoes and went for another 1.25 miles, I think.  It was nice.  I wasn’t trying to walk for speed/calories burned.  I was walking for my soul.  It was kind of Forrest Gump walking.

Still…thought it was just a grumpier start to the morning and it would burn off like pretty much any other morning that I have these feelings.

Nope!

“What do you want for breakfast?  What do you want to take on the boat for lunch?”  I couldn’t answer these questions because I didn’t know how to answer them.  I knew what I didn’t want, but not what I did.  And it was upsetting to me.  If we weren’t already planning on going on the boat, I would just have dove into my Tupperware business, laundry, dishes, cleaning up the house (kinda going into autopilot) and would have been just fine.  But stopping to make a decision???

Nope!

What the freak is wrong with me?  Why am I crying because I don’t want a turkey sandwich for lunch???  Why am I getting upset that I don’t want pancakes for breakfast???

I really didn’t want to make my husband feel bad because he kept throwing out ideas just so maybe he would suggest something that sounded good to me and I could just say yes.  No yesses were coming.

I really just felt like I was in this funk and it was super annoying because I’m “fine” every other day.

The only things I could come up with why yesterday was making me be in a funk was my dog was having some digestion issues (he’s 9 and old and I just love him to pieces), Ayden was fighting off some sort of virus so he was just not feeling 100%, and I had my first public Tupperware event that night that I was getting very anxious for.

I think those all were just weighing on my mind and making me get in my own head too much.

Why would the event make me feel anxious???  Well these are monthly events that have the very high probability that will have guests from the previous months.  I did these events all though my pregnancy with Aaron up until like 2 weeks before my due date.  I was wondering if all the guests (which would have no idea) would then be asking me about the baby.  I am at the point where I can tell people what happened should they not have heard yet. I just felt like I could get overwhelmed and have to go hide in the bathroom for a while.

The boat ride helped tremendously.

Then I drove myself crazy about my 2 times up front at the mic.  How do I act?  I kept telling myself to just be myself.  Which is usually pretty comfortable with a touch of humor.  I have done it enough times that I wasn’t really nervous…before.  I felt warm and numb when I got up in front of the mic to do my little commercial for my business.  At the end of the night, none of the guests asked about the baby.  And to be honest, I don’t know how many of them were repeats.  The nice thing was that we had a hurricane that cancelled last month’s auction.  So everyone (including other vendors) had missed a month.  It was like I wasn’t even gone.

It was different.

My other vendor friends were AMAZING!!!  I knew they all knew (at least the important ones).  I could feel them sending their love and support without them even saying anything about my situation.

It felt good to set up a Tupperware table.

I was trying so hard to “just be normal”….what is that though?

 

Yesterday, I went to visit the hospital nurses…

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Yesterday was a HUGE day for me.

I went to visit the hospital nurses that took care of us during our 24 hour stay at the hospital when we had Aaron.

I knew from the moment we left the hospital that I would be back to visit these ladies. The amazing-beyond-words nurses that went through this with us. The strong-beyond-belief nurses that held us during this crazy time.

I was able to arrange a visit with the night nurse that was there for the start of our stay and the two day nurses that were there during the hard labor, delivery, and pain of the loss of our son.

I know I will not be able to put into words the amazingness of this staff. But I will try my best.

Much of this process of dealing with the loss of an infant is not fun (imagine that), and I was forced to put on my BIG BIG panties on and do things like deciding on a name for our deceased son before leaving the hospital, leaving the hospital with no baby, going to the funeral home to sign papers for the cremation process, phone calls and decisions about autopsy/DNA testing, and the list could go on.  All of them I didn’t want to do, but forced myself to.  I couldn’t NOT do any of these things.  I couldn’t “get out” of doing these things because I couldn’t “get out” of the fact that my newborn son passed away.

But this particular decision was an easy one and one I so much looked forward to…visiting the nurses that I can never thank enough for their work.  This was a part of my healing process that I counted down the days to and it did NOT disappoint.

I did feel a little nervous walking into the hospital again.

Would they remember me?

Would they recognize me?

Would they want to see me?

Would they have time to say hi?

I walked through the front doors of the hospital, turned and looked at the door I was wheeled out of that night we left.  A wave of emotions came over me of everything I felt that day.  I composed myself and asked the lady at the front desk how to get to Labor and Delivery, my lips were quivering with nerves and fighting back the break down I knew could bust out at any moment.  Also mixed with my fear of getting lost in a hospital and/or walking into an area that I’m not supposed to go…

The elevator opened and I pressed 2.  Deep breaths.

The elevator door opened and my brain couldn’t read the signs to tell me where to go.  Thank goodness for a custiodian looking man who opened the slider door for me and showed me the nurses desk.

When I was there before, it felt like a blur and I couldn’t remember what things had looked like to know if I was in the right place or not.  As I approached the desk, I saw the night nurse (I’m keeping their names out just because I didn’t get their approval to include their names, so don’t think I’m rude by how I refer to them).  She was in street clothes because it was 9am and usually her shifts end around 7am I think.  Her supervisor had told her someone was coming to see her but hadn’t told her who.  I was shaking when I said “she’s one of the ones I’m here to see” (actually I said it completely wrong because I was not really able to speak).  She came around the desk and we hugged.  A hug that I so very badly needed.  This lady was a stranger to me just over a month ago and now I didn’t know how to let go of the hug.  I cried in relief.

When I turned around one of the 2 daytime nurses that helped with delivery and everything after until her shift ended sometime around 7pm that night (roughly about 8 hours after Aaron was born).  More relief.

And the second daytime nurse was walking up.  All there too see me.  But really I was there to see them.

Part of Aaron’s quick arrival and not that I struggle with is if it was even real.  Was I ever really pregnant or was it a dream?  Did I really go through labor and deliver him or was it a dream?  Did he really die or was that a nightmare?  Were those nurses real or was I dreaming?

As I was there with them, outside of the fog of labor, delivery, and grieving, yes…they are real.  And just as amazing as I remembered them being.  The supervisor was even kind enough let us go in an unused room and let us visit for a little while.  We were able to reminisce and catch up.  It was EVERYTHING I was imagining and so much more.

I could have stayed all day.  I didn’t want to leave them.  They truly are amazing people that CHOOSE to take care of other people for a living. When they could have avoided me both that day and yesterday, they didn’t.  They will never really know the impact they’ve had on me.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to show them.

But before I left, I was also lucky enough to be able to see the photographer that took pictures for us of our sweet boy.  I was able to visit with her also and it was just so nice to see everyone that I met though such a terrible time in my life.  I really can’t explain it, but I never wanted it to end.

A million times thank you to all the staff that helped us during our stay, I know it was more than just these 4 ladies.

One of my best days since all this happened.

Thank you….

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