Yesterday was a HUGE day for me.

I went to visit the hospital nurses that took care of us during our 24 hour stay at the hospital when we had Aaron.

I knew from the moment we left the hospital that I would be back to visit these ladies. The amazing-beyond-words nurses that went through this with us. The strong-beyond-belief nurses that held us during this crazy time.

I was able to arrange a visit with the night nurse that was there for the start of our stay and the two day nurses that were there during the hard labor, delivery, and pain of the loss of our son.

I know I will not be able to put into words the amazingness of this staff. But I will try my best.

Much of this process of dealing with the loss of an infant is not fun (imagine that), and I was forced to put on my BIG BIG panties on and do things like deciding on a name for our deceased son before leaving the hospital, leaving the hospital with no baby, going to the funeral home to sign papers for the cremation process, phone calls and decisions about autopsy/DNA testing, and the list could go on.  All of them I didn’t want to do, but forced myself to.  I couldn’t NOT do any of these things.  I couldn’t “get out” of doing these things because I couldn’t “get out” of the fact that my newborn son passed away.

But this particular decision was an easy one and one I so much looked forward to…visiting the nurses that I can never thank enough for their work.  This was a part of my healing process that I counted down the days to and it did NOT disappoint.

I did feel a little nervous walking into the hospital again.

Would they remember me?

Would they recognize me?

Would they want to see me?

Would they have time to say hi?

I walked through the front doors of the hospital, turned and looked at the door I was wheeled out of that night we left.  A wave of emotions came over me of everything I felt that day.  I composed myself and asked the lady at the front desk how to get to Labor and Delivery, my lips were quivering with nerves and fighting back the break down I knew could bust out at any moment.  Also mixed with my fear of getting lost in a hospital and/or walking into an area that I’m not supposed to go…

The elevator opened and I pressed 2.  Deep breaths.

The elevator door opened and my brain couldn’t read the signs to tell me where to go.  Thank goodness for a custiodian looking man who opened the slider door for me and showed me the nurses desk.

When I was there before, it felt like a blur and I couldn’t remember what things had looked like to know if I was in the right place or not.  As I approached the desk, I saw the night nurse (I’m keeping their names out just because I didn’t get their approval to include their names, so don’t think I’m rude by how I refer to them).  She was in street clothes because it was 9am and usually her shifts end around 7am I think.  Her supervisor had told her someone was coming to see her but hadn’t told her who.  I was shaking when I said “she’s one of the ones I’m here to see” (actually I said it completely wrong because I was not really able to speak).  She came around the desk and we hugged.  A hug that I so very badly needed.  This lady was a stranger to me just over a month ago and now I didn’t know how to let go of the hug.  I cried in relief.

When I turned around one of the 2 daytime nurses that helped with delivery and everything after until her shift ended sometime around 7pm that night (roughly about 8 hours after Aaron was born).  More relief.

And the second daytime nurse was walking up.  All there too see me.  But really I was there to see them.

Part of Aaron’s quick arrival and not that I struggle with is if it was even real.  Was I ever really pregnant or was it a dream?  Did I really go through labor and deliver him or was it a dream?  Did he really die or was that a nightmare?  Were those nurses real or was I dreaming?

As I was there with them, outside of the fog of labor, delivery, and grieving, yes…they are real.  And just as amazing as I remembered them being.  The supervisor was even kind enough let us go in an unused room and let us visit for a little while.  We were able to reminisce and catch up.  It was EVERYTHING I was imagining and so much more.

I could have stayed all day.  I didn’t want to leave them.  They truly are amazing people that CHOOSE to take care of other people for a living. When they could have avoided me both that day and yesterday, they didn’t.  They will never really know the impact they’ve had on me.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to show them.

But before I left, I was also lucky enough to be able to see the photographer that took pictures for us of our sweet boy.  I was able to visit with her also and it was just so nice to see everyone that I met though such a terrible time in my life.  I really can’t explain it, but I never wanted it to end.

A million times thank you to all the staff that helped us during our stay, I know it was more than just these 4 ladies.

One of my best days since all this happened.

Thank you….